Birthday Reflections and Life Lessons
Birthdays are messy. All that frosting and globs of cake with half-melted candles, and blue frosting that leaves semi-permanent stains on our hands and face, reminding us of our big day.
If we treat our birthday as our personal new year, we leave behind the traditional New Year which celebrates the forward movement of time and a digit, in a cloud of dust. Our own birthday marks the importance of our personal forward progress in time as we move forward trying our very best to live a life of purpose, health, happiness, and growth.
The beauty of the internet is in the ability to share my birthday insight with other readers while demonstrating how everything can be purposefully woven together, creating a tapestry of connectedness with different colors, patterns, and textures that complement the big picture - life! I chose eight lessons and learnings. You can add your own at the very end.
So, here are my birthday reflections and life lessons on my 51st trip around the sun: some deep, others lighter and humorous. These all came to me all packaged up in a figurative birthday box with a large bow on day 3 of age 51.
One - No Pain No Gain.
Changes we want for ourselves usually involve perseverance, discipline and some degree of suffering. We all want to feel comfortable and good, however when making changes, our primitive self wrestles with this rational, practical side. (Nothing I have been proud of or accomplished last year was the result of feeling warm and fuzzy, elated, buzzed on Prosecco or even slightly comfortable.) Yes, Maslow was correct when he determined that the hierarchical need for food, shelter and clothing is paramount, but after that, there is pure challenge and struggle to getting where we really want to be. This can be from a negative habit, mood issue, relationship issue, job or creative projects, or any life change which promotes our health, happiness and well being.
Two - Silver Lining.
Seeing things in a positive way through a negative experience. Such an overused expression I have actually found slightly irritating at times (in addition to inspirational quotes in general) as I also have had major “storm clouds” temporarily trip me up. Some storm clouds felt more like hurricanes with typhoons, gale winds and monsoons. The silver lining implies that there is always that positive ending or perspective to these difficult times. I now see it.
"I can see clearly now the rain is gone."
The silver lining can be two-fold. Through adversity, struggle and bad times, a serendipitous opportunity can come about, that is a silver lining that never would have appeared had there not been the storm clouds. Also, the silver lining applies to our perspective on this. How do we now see things through and after the storm? We can see that silver lining with our own eyes, minus rose colored glasses, although we might need bionic binoculars and a very skilled therapist.
Three - What Color Is Your Parachute?
This was and may still be the title of an iconic book about finding your ideal career, job or vocation. (I read it in the ’80s with some really big hair and olive colored leg warmers).
Well, the book is right. Simple question: What would you do any day, all day, if it never involved getting paid?
"What Floats Your Boat?"
What types of things bring you so much satisfaction and joy that you lose sense of time because you are so engrossed? In the world of running, we call it “The Zone”.
Everyone has the right to find and use his/her talents and skills in a meaningful way and get paid too. If you cannot bring this passion into your current career at least honor and treasure it by volunteering or finding some way to express these talents. And if you do not know your gift and talents, find a way to discover them. Put some intention out there that this career is yours to own and let the Universe work some magic.
Four - Our Brain Is Our Friend.
Our brains are amazing, beyond words, we have yet to tap into its full potential. Our brains can become stuck or not well. Some of us might be struggling with organic brain chemistry issues such as depression, anxiety, trauma, or more serious conditions. However, our brain is, has and always will be our friend. The brain was specifically designed to be a brilliant computer, its primary goal being our survival (staying alive) with pleasure a close second. When we are trying to change faulty thought patterns, old ways/habits and maybe even more serious mood or thinking, try to remember that we have our brain as an ally. Our brain might need some repair, tuning up, medication and reprogramming but it truly wants the very best for us. The new research on neuroscience is crazy good and spot on. The old worn out unpaved roads in our brain of thinking/feeling with potholes, dirt and debris, can now be repaired on many levels. Same road, but now we can pave it and we can get somewhere on it at faster speeds. Now we can also see that there are new, less traveled roads, so we can create brand new ways for our computer-like brains to develop. And that has made all the difference.
Five - The Witching Hour.
The witching hour has been extended. Let's face it, most of us are tired after 3 pm. Some can make it to 5 pm, others to 2 pm, but, as a general rule, we are on a resting path after 3 pm. That means we are less resistant to being hijacked by our emotions, a spat, stress, pressure or general challenges. For me, I knew something was horribly wrong when I could not muster the energy to create a family dinner. Why can't I do this? Why was everything more intense and discussions more emotionally-laden? It then hit me. I am tired, we are all tired. I was fighting a battle that cannot be won. So I did some modifications on what was realistic, and I share this. Think of dinner time as body refueling. Leave Julia Child behind. She is just fine and on YouTube anytime we need her. Rely on take-out, leftovers, crock pot, instant somethings. Also, do not plan discussions on serious topics for those hours. Emotions are running higher and decisions are harder to make. After this witching hour, slow down, recharge, keep things simple. My grandmother had said nothing good happens after 11 pm and she was pretty accurate, minus a few hours. The other player in this mix was the lovely Ms. Scarlett who advocated for herself that “tomorrow is another day”. It has been remarkable how we feel more rested and less emotional just by waiting until the next morning, holding off on that urge to dramatize and solve the world’s problems the night before.
Six - Looking Back From Your Deathbed.
I discovered this technique the old fashioned way- by trial and error. After reading Wayne ”Dyer’s The Sky’s the Limit”, (again in the’80s, this time wearing Chantilly Lace perfume and oversized purple plastic hoop earrings) I related to Dyer’s hallmark advice on living each day as if it were your last. Then I felt overly pressured to make every moment special so I adopted a modified version for making decisions. If you have a pressing decision, a dilemma, an opportunity or the like, imagine looking back on your life as if you were taking stock, aka, on your deathbed. As maudlin as it may seem it's a fantastic way to figure out how a short or long-term decision would feel during your final life moments, taking stock and perspective. Would you regret not “going for it”? Are you pleased you stuck something out or pushed your courage to the limits and started that business? Clients love this perspective/exercise, and I continue to apply it in every way to my own life. It cleverly takes away the immediate sting or aftermath of a decision such as guilt, fear or temporary pressure and collectively sees the totality of the decision. Try it (you don't have to be in bed or even slightly under the weather).
Seven - Progress Is A Trajectory.
We are notorious for being our own worst critics. Being ourselves means that looking at things more objectively is challenging and sometimes impossible. There are hundreds of reasons why each person struggles with making positive changes, reaching goals and getting where they want to be. In the middle of all this tangled string and persnickety self-dialogue, I always gently remind clients (and myself) to look at their progress in terms of a trajectory. First, it is a fabulous word- (say it ten times fast for kicks). But really it is the absolute truth on how progress would look if you graphed it on paper. The line going up to demonstrate the progress and closer proximity to the target goal is never a continuously straight upward and smooth path. It can be straight for a while (no change, maintaining), have its dips down (temporary slip-ups, etc.…) then goes back along to upward momentum.
Point being- not how are you? How is your trajectory going? If it is going up in general, you are doing what you sent out to do! (insert pat on back and dance with pom poms here). Remember, we cannot fully feel the positive effects of improvement had we never known or experienced the darker and opposite polarity. Our natural inclination to follow a trajectory reminds us of this and can actually help solidify the change we are after.
Eight - Love Is A Verb.
I could not wait to talk about this one! LOVE. The best is often last. Dr. Leo Buscaglia wrote a famous book called “Love”- which can best be described as an extensive, philosophical field guide to exploring what Love really is and what it looks like (which I read in the early 90’s- this time with some padded shoulders and pixie bangs with lots of black eyeliner). In his book titled “Love”, he analyzes the nature of love in every possible way: love as an emotion, love as a cognitive phenomenon, love as a personal and social need, love as a mimicking action.
If we further dissect the concept of love it still does not change its form. The basic foundation of Love, in whatever form or expression, always feels good. As humans, we cannot resist this feel-good emotion from giving love or receiving it. Spiritual gurus and philosophers believe love is always the most supreme feeling or state of being. Some have theorized that this “Love State” is all we become in the Afterlife.
Love is notorious for being formally defined as a noun- meaning a person, place or thing. So here's my point. If we feel Love - we are filled with happiness. If we feel Love for something else, we are filled with happiness for that something else. However… the other thing or person we love will never know we love them unless we SHOW it (or say it which still kinda can count but is not nearly as effective or powerful). Even if we say we love someone they do not necessarily feel it.
So... (drumroll… Heeeeeeere’s Love! ....sorry Johnny Carson, you have to come second!)
I conclude that the true essence of Love expressed for others to feel and experience is actually a VERB. Love is an action, it is a demonstration or doing.
Here's the trick - if you love something or someone, show or do to express that love. If you love a hobby, do that hobby, if you love a place, visit it. If you love a person, demonstrate that to them. Doing loving acts for others you do not even know counts too. The stranger who drops their cane and you help them, the extra time you take with someone to listen or to help them with something, the thank you note or giving a gift (compliments count as gifts by the way - gifts can be not even a penny spent).
If Love is treated and expressed more like a verb (or action) we have this lovely reciprocal. Studies have shown that the one who gives a gift to someone actually gets more pleasure out of the act of giving than the receiver. It's Love squared! This is true. Try your own Love experiment and treat it as a verb. You too shall see. As our Mr. Rogers told us, “Love is at the root of everything, all learning, all relationships, love or the lack of it.”
So there you have it!
Some principles and perspectives; birthday reflections and life lessons, with blue frosting and all. My birthday wish this year was that we all find inner peace and life purpose, somehow, someway.